HENRY 12-11-2016

The authorities came by this morning. Two Polizei knocked on my door. I saw them through the window in the door, debated whether I should pretend I wasn’t home but as I was relatively confident I had done no wrong, I opened the door.

Grüß Gott!”

I live in Germany, in the state of Bavaria. The greeting, Grüß Gott is a standard greeting here. It’s used in place of Guten Tag —Good Day, but it literally means, Greet God. The literal meaning irks me to no end. I’m a non-believer, an agnostic, borderline atheist. In other parts of Germany the typical response is, “wenn du ihn siehst—when you see him.“ I like that answer, but this was probably not the best time to use it. The male cop in this dynamic duo was far bigger than I could ever hope to be and his smile was not friendly.

This entire conversation was German, but I’ll dispense with writing the German and then translating; it makes things easier for all of us.

“Good morning, can I help you?”

“We have reports that you have buried an animal or perhaps a person on your private property. This is not allowed.”

Stunned, I looked at the female partner. She glared at me. I think she wanted to eat me alive. Now shocked, all I could say was, “What?”

He thumbed over his shoulder in the direction of our courtyard. I pushed myself up on tiptoes but couldn’t see over his shoulder.

“I don’t understand.”

Finally, the big guy took a step to the side and pointed at something in the center of the courtyard. I saw the Pampas Grass planted in the cobblestoned ground and a small tree.

“Listen, I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The female moved a step closer, invading my personal space and lisped in English, “Ve haff testimo… witness who say you bury something in Hof.” She looked over shoulder in the same direction her partner had. Then she pointed. “You haff a marker even.”

“Uh, could you repeat that in German? I don’t understand your English.”

I think that pissed her off, because she let loose with a stream of heavily accented Bavarian dialect that knocked me back a step. I understood less of this dialect than I did her English, but I did get the gist of it. These cops were here because someone had called in and told the police that I had buried an animal, or maybe a person on my property and they based this on the marker in the middle of the courtyard.

I laughed. They glared. henry

“It’s a tree. I planted a tree and named it Henry. It’s a Mammoth Tree that grows about one meter every year, so I’ll get to see it mature before I die. You understand?”

They looked at each other and then back at me in obvious disbelief.

“We shall see. We dig it up and see for ourselves.”

They turned away and it was then I saw the shovel in the big cop’s hand.

“No! You are not going to dig up my tree.”

The woman cop smirked. The big cop walked towards Henry. By the time I got my bow and a couple of arrows, the big cop had made his first stab into the dirt around Henry. I brought him down with an arrow through the throat. The woman turned while pulling her pistol out of the holster. She didn’t have a chance. The arrow passed all the way through her, drilling a neat hole in her heart. She collapsed with a sigh.

This all happened in the space of five seconds. This act of self-defense went unseen behind the two meter high rock wall that surrounds the courtyard. It was silent. It was efficient and I had successfully defended Henry’s life. I dragged their bodies into the barn and under cover of darkness buried them behind the woodshed… without a damned marker!

God’s Laws

I didn’t write this and I’ve not discovered who did. I saw it on a Google Plus thread and couldn’t resist sharing. It was originally written about a year ago. I thought it not only funny, but an eye-opener for those who can’t understand how anyone can take the Bible literally… make that seriously.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident. It’s funny, AND informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

 5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim.

So, now you know how to respond to someone that homophobic person that uses the Bible to justify his hatred.